Anecdote
by reedville
Summary: This is one of the stories an old god tells another old god.


Old Speedy tends to tell Old Guido the story about how he picked up smoking again. It usually starts with two glasses of warm milk substitute. The blinds are halfway open in the common area causing the remaining sunlight to wobble into the room. Two wooden chairs creak next to one another, barely out of syncopation. Guido likes the sound of something organic against his metal legs. Speedy tends to speak a mile a minute as a preemptive fight against dementia or Alzheimer's. Both could pass for their mid-fifties, but the trick is when they speak. Age lowers the voice to an unnatural tone, and makes any conversation of theirs turn into gravity, hence, when the story is brought up to Guido the rusted word

"bullshit."

is the first thing he emits in a vocally fried wheeze. It comes slinking out with such disbelief and gravel, it almost sounds like hocking a loogie or dispelling allergies from the back of his throat. This is then when he laps his old tongue in, always tasting while his eyes focus outside on the sneaking night. He remembers milk tasting fatter and heavier, and not so watery and chalky going down.

"I'm just saying you don't remember doing that stuff because it was like almost forty years ago."

"Well let me hear you explain it all the way then, HUH?!" Guido's arms extended outward slightly as if someone had eaten his leftovers without asking, like he couldn't decide between shrugging or complaining.

Guido was well known around the center as someone who never lacked the last word, especially if it was related to him. He would always smash statements about him by doubling down on the accuser's proof. This is not to say most stories about him were of any accusatory or negative nature, but well, he remembered them differently.

"Okay okay, you got a minute?"

Speedy took his own sip and awaited some kind of response from his old companion. Guido's response involved wiping the milk substitute out of his whiskers.

"Well, you remember the pizza restaurant right? Fighting the ninja crows back in 241, we had to go back to clean up after taking down one of their squads. You were probably, uh, twenty-eight or so, and Polly had gone back to stay with Francine for the night. You kept on yawning as you wiped down the tables. The last thing I remember doing was cleaning out the big pizza oven."

"Hah, you just liked to go back there so you could call Lucille."

"Sure I did, but this time I was seriously trying to scrape burnt cheese off the bottom, and I was using my claws for once because it was the only I could get underneath it. I almost busted out my sword instead, would cut the damn thing in half if I could have, so like in my wisdom I went out to get you to help. Four claws better than two, or maybe there was a better way to get it off. You... to no one's surprise...are nowhere to be found!"

Guido crossed his arms, but continued to listen. Waiting for his chance to strike this story down right where it mattered.

"All that is left is the washarag on one of the tables. For some dumb reason or due to the tiny detective in me I sniff the rag, get like a minor whiff of ammonia, so like eyes tear up I'm coughing, but I go rushing outside to get some air, I lock the main door with my keys to the place with one paw, whole time I am still trying to catch a good breath. I am thinking surely I'd hear your clanking legs somewhere down the street."

"And lemme guess you don't hear a damn thing."

"No no, I hear plenty of things! Like it's a little after midnight, which was still decently late back then, and there's still people out because of the nearby wine bars, and like someways down the road, this one group, young group of cows, probably in their thirties, three women and one guy, start singing the Samurai Pizza Cat Oath in four parts. One of the women is a contralto. I listen to them for a minute because they were surprisingly good for a group of drunks and I was sober so I knew it was good. A four star performance or maybe if I was critical, the bass was trying too hard to hit the low notes, but either way this is a 'karaoke ruiner' kind of good singing group, which defeats the point of karaoke, so it's good they're out there instead of making everyone in the city feel untalented. So, I am like, yeah great job guys, but then I realize I am looking for you, and where does Guido go when he wants to go somewhere? You'd think something like your house, maybe you were taking a mental health night like some of us were prone to do, but you were a lovey bastard back then so I knew you must have heard me calling Lucille once or twice so that had to be where you were. I start sprinting finally clearing all the shit from my face as I run. I am choking and running and taking these huge deep breaths. Some kind of weird dancing run too like I am trying signal an airplane and fly a kite at the same time. I get to Lucille's house. Tiny detective Speedy strikes again. Check the bushes, jump up to the balcony, look into her room, she's sleeping on her side away from the window, she's in REM sleep, pink kimono, check the backyard, check the cherry blossom tree out front even though I would have seen you there when I first showed up. Because you know, your mind plays tricks on you like that. Again nothing, you're not there. Like I remember it was a little sticky and hot for February, kind of like you couldn't get cold or hot without messing the other one up easy. I was sweating through my armor at that point. I don't want to think or believe it, but I am panting a bit. It was sort of pissing me off that I couldn't find you, but you know hide and seek is like that. I start thinking you're pranking me or something, like you knew the whole time I was going there first, so I am betting I am going to get back to a clean and empty pizza place, all alone. The other thing I didn't say this was like a 45 minutes to a hour kinda thing because back then the city had more traffic and animals. Sure my name is Speedy, but this was across town and even with shortcuts, it's an annoying trek full of hills and curves and like sometimes the wind is against you, and this night it was so, I finally get back to the restaurant, it's now closer to 2am and I feel like the only person in the universe who is out this late, but that's not right, you're out there too."

Guido laughed into a cough. "You should've just gave up."

"Well that was the best part. I did. I go unlock the doors again and I turn the lights out. I go sit right back down at the table where you left the rag. I debate going back to the back to call someone, but I just sit there. I sit there and wait for you because the whole time I think you're still going to return grinning wide like a suave goofball you always were."

"So then you hear something else I guess."

"Nope! I hear nothing but next thing you know I see this vixen stumbling down the sidewalk. She's taking drags, the smoke is all flying around randomly. I get that cute feeling when you stare someone down you're not supposed to because it's a stranger, and you keep waiting for them to make eye contact and then she does and the eyes are O Positive red blood like, like some kind of weird vampire is gonna murder all of us or make us thralls, and at that point I think 'you know Guido is probably dead somewhere and this fox did it, and it is going to haunt me for the rest of my eight lives' or is it nine lives after this one? But who came up with that story? You think we cats get so terrified we jump out of their own lives? Like we're some kind of loose, stray screw that gets screwed into another device? I mean I'd like to think I am on my first life, but this might be it. I mean what a crock of shit if it is."

"I bet it isn't."

"Like how would you know? How would you know that is true?"

Guido took the scenic route to some kind of half smirk. "Really good odds..."

Speedy stopped the conversation. His tongue attacked his drink spraying drops of white onto the carpet like he somewhere else to head to, but this was untrue. There was an old unsubstantiated rumor that Speedy loved milk and that he knew where every trace of it was in the city. This was also untrue because what he actually loved was the milk substitute. Despite its pungency, his stomach and teeth thanked him the same. There was a chance in his next life that he would be taller and stronger if he kept taking the nutritional supplement.

Guido weakly knocked on Speedy's chair using his empty cup, the sound imitating a door. "So... where was I?"

"Okay, so I realize now that the red eyed fox is Big Cheese, like could have fooled me, and I was more intrigued by the fact that he was smoking anything. Like I know for a fact, that this is a guy who gets so angry he literally can explode, but he's just fueling the fire that night or maybe that is why he explodes? All the gunk from the cigarettes? But there is no explosion, it's just him waltzing by keeping tabs on us as a group, or maybe not, you know I had no idea if he even knew we were technically there. There's a few pizza places in the city besides ours, granted ours was huge you know, but like what do you do? I mean maybe the ninja crows knew sure, but like did he personally know, I doubted it, so I thought about going out there to say something, maybe freak him out a bit, I still had my sword, but that is part of being a good person like me you know, you don't just go take somebody out in the dead of night. So the Big Cheese kind of stares into the restaurant still walking away but he gives it this sort of side glance before just tossing the cigarette onto the ground right next to the trashcan, but not like in the trashcan, like the whole world is his ashtray, I was surprised he didn't see me I guess with my blue eyes and all. It's like you don't want to move when you find yourself staring at someone, but then like no more than ten seconds after the fox leaves you come clanging by and I don't mean like you kindly walked by the restaurant, you were like power walking on the verge of running, clang, clang , clang, clang, and I am like 'what the hell is this shit', but like, I keep watching and you pick up Big Cheese's cigarette like you accidentally dropped it, and legit take the drag until its gone. Hands were shaking, I mean you wanted it bad. The way you stamped it out was something pretty intense too. Like you knew you were mad about starting it up again, And I like I remember the time you told me the last time it was your last one, but here you were sneaking one at 2am."

Guido sniffled a little to clear the snot from his nose. "There's no way... h-how...was it even still smoking?"

"All that wind! All a fire needs is a little oxygen, plus I wasn't kidding about the ten seconds thing, like you were on a mission."

"I was...outside?"

"See that's the best part. After finishing the cigarette you took out the trash. You took the lid off, took the bag out, tied the knot, and the hauled it over your shoulder. Walked around the left side of the building towards the dumpster. After that I just followed you out there. I was going to rib you about Lucille or what she would think you all smelling like smoke and shit, but like I got out there and you were passed out like gone, like stomach to the ground head to the side, neck pain tomorrow for sure gone, but hey at least you threw the trash away first. Conked out too snoring deep like you had gotten drunk or something. I thought you were for sure, but it didn't seem like something you'd do right after a mission. Took me like another late shift like two days later to realize you were sleepwalking. Really had to keep close to you at work, but what sold it is that I had to look at your eyes to know for sure. They were like glazed over like you could stare through the sun."

Speedy's ears perked up when he noticed that Guido's chair had stopped creaking. It was around this point in the story that normally put the older cat to sleep. Speedy could never tell if it was the longevity of the story, or if Guido knew to hold on long enough to drift off right when he was told what happened. Speedy wanted to imagine that Guido was thinking of something pleasant. Lucille singing when she thought no one could hear her, or maybe he was thinking of his grandmother's umbrella; the one he always used to fight evil with. It was more likely that Guido was just getting old. All it took most days was a rambling memory to knock him out, there wasn't any magic or talent behind it.

Speedy moved softly out of his rocking chair and quietly picked up both cups. Walking gingerly across the room, he set them down next to Polly. She was reading an old Neo-Tokyo manga called "Hervon X6". Speedy did not know that one, but he was not a typical reader as much he liked to say otherwise.

"You finally get him to go down?

"Yeah I did. It wasn't too bad, I just had to make sure he was focused on listening to me."

Their silence stagnated, but broke on the trumpeting wails of Guido's snoring.

"I am just glad you could come today, Speeds. I can barely see straight with these headaches. I know it was my shift, but like I just wanted to sit some place quiet and-"

"Don't mention it, I wasn't doing much of anything."

Polly turned another page in her manga and dog-eared it before setting it down atop another book on the chair next to her. It was too quick to read the page, but enough to remember the picture.

"What kind of story did you tell him?"

Speedy hesitated, rubbed his eyes like trying to get something out of them. "I tell him about the first time we met Lucille together. I tend to spice it up which is why you get him yelling a bit. He loves thinking about her."

"That's kind of you. I just read him old poems. He's a real big fan of 'The Highwayman'. He likes that one a lot."

"I never pegged him as one for poetry or really anything really."

Polly giggled at his response. The sun had completely disappeared. Speedy could still taste the milk on his tongue, a couple of chalky bits between his teeth. Out of the corner of his eye he noticed an orderly picking up Guido from a rocking chair into a wheelchair.


End file.
